“Tell me something I don’t know about gratitude,” I asked Michael as I was mulling this article.
“The word comes from the same root as grace and gracious.”
I didn’t know this. That he did was no surprise. Etymology comes up a lot around our table. And true enough, these three words all come from the Latin “gratus,” meaning “agreeable, pleasant,” and further back from the PIE “gwere-” meaning “to favor.”
That set my thoughts tumbling.
First thought: Last year I talked about grace, and now I’m on to gratitude. Interesting that I made that progression without realizing the link.
Second thought: Now I understand why we “say grace” at mealtime, which is a time to give thanks.
Third thought: These words all carry the idea of freedom (additionally, the word “gratis” meaning “free” comes from the same root) and undeserved goodness. There’s a release, a lightness of being when gratitude and grace fill our lives.
Why am I writing about gratitude?
During most of the year, I write about physical toxins in our lives—such as problematic ingredients in personal care and house care—but for the past many Januarys I’ve pivoted to focus on the intangible “toxins” in our lives. These sorts of toxins may weigh us down even more than those we can measure. Among them, I’ve talked about decluttering hurry, voices, and outdated identities from our lives.
Inevitably, whenever I set out to write one of these articles, I end up needing to write to myself. This year is no different.
Why gratitude is a perfect topic for January
I love beginnings. I love mornings, I love Mondays, I love Januarys. I love new boxes of crayons, new pads of sticky notes, new journals. There’s just so much possibility in that untouched newness. Beginnings offer a blank slate. A fresh start. As the wisdom of L.M. Montgomery says, “Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet.” I get excited just thinking about it. Anything can happen!
This is why I catch the decluttering bug every January and tackle closets, drawers, and those piles that have become invisible around my house. I want that unneeded stuff out of my way so that I can launch into my plans and intentions unhindered.
But what can gum up that potential even faster than physical stuff is a big ol’ load of mental baggage in the form of anxiety and negativity. Frustrations and grumblings and disappointments and worries weigh down new efforts. They’re a formula for discouragement and inaction.
The preventative to this paralysis of negativity and anxiety is gratitude. Instead of letting my mind cycle through a repeating list of downers, I can put before my mind’s eye all the beauties, the successes, the well-being, the good that are part of my life—if I will only choose to acknowledge them.
Why gratitude is the antidote to anxiety and negativity
First, two things gratitude is not: Gratitude is not an emotion, and it is not an accident. Gratitude is not reserved for those who are lucky enough not to have bad things happen to them. Those people don’t exist. Everyone has bad things happen to them. I daresay each of you, my dear reader, could name three annoyances or serious problems in your life right now.
But the reverse is also true. Even in the midst of tragic circumstances, there are blessings, if only we choose to see them.
This is the crux: Gratitude is a choice. It is not something that just happens to us, but something we intentionally activate in our lives. This is a concept the world gets so very wrong.
I think back on my 1998, when my dad was battling lung cancer as I was finishing college and preparing for my wedding. There were no shortage of negatives to reflect upon, but I’ve been able to find so many blessings for which to be thankful.
I am thankful that the year’s illness gave my dad the opportunity to face some lifelong demons and come to spiritual peace. I am thankful that as sad as it was for his passing to be linked forever to my wedding, it was because of the wedding that we were all together for the weeks before, gathered from across the globe, and our last times together were ones of celebration. I am thankful that though the last day I saw my dad was my wedding day, I have the blessing of remembering him not as terminally ill, but as triumphantly himself, telling embarrassing stories about my growing up, making jokes about all the out-of-towners surviving the small recent earthquake, and dancing one last “Sunrise, Sunset” with me.
Like a camera with its ability to adjust the focus to center on certain objects and blur out the others, we have the ability to center our mental focus on different elements of our lives. We can choose to focus on the negative and the worrisome, or we can choose to focus on the positive and uplifting.
By centering our outlook on the positive, we can lighten our spirits, infuse our lives with joy, and build up powerful motivation and momentum to tackle what’s before us. Gratitude clears the way to live lives of hope, knowing that good outcomes are possible, and even abundant. This is powerful motivation to continue striving towards our goals.
Lastly, a life of gratitude is also humbling, by reminding us that we have been given unmerited blessings and we all owe, in more ways than we know, so much to others.
12 tactics for choosing gratitude
Intentional gratitude can be planned and strategic. These are ways I have thought of to steer myself toward gratitude, especially in times when it’s not coming naturally. I look forward to reading in the comments what prompts you towards gratitude.
1. Name it
Identifying and giving words to our sources of gratitude brings them into sharper focus. For one, using language engages another part of our mind, embedding the thought more deeply in our consciousness. It also brings the thing into the forefront of our thoughts. Give words to your gratitude.
2. Catalog your senses
What can you hear, smell, feel, taste, see right now that is beautiful in its simplicity, purity, vibrancy, sweetness, enthusiasm? Write those down.
3. Express it
Telling someone else what we’re thankful for does a couple things. First, it layers on the gratitude experience, emphasizing it further in our own minds. This is important because we are sadly prone to forgetting the positives. Secondly, if you express your thanks to the person/organization/divine source that caused the good thing, they will likely be encouraged to hear it. Don’t let that opportunity to spread joy slip by.
4. Get input from others
If you’re struggling to find a positive, get input from others. But by all means, don’t argue with them about it. Others may be able to see things that you, down in the trenches, can’t glimpse.
5. Preserve it
If it’s visible, audible, tangible, capture it in some way. Take a picture, record it, describe it. Again, this is a bulwark against forgetfulness, and during hard times, you can pull up this anthology of joy to remind yourself of what is good. My family is partial to cat and dog pictures, mostly of our own menagerie, but we’re open to anyone’s. A cute cat picture makes us all smile.
6. Meditate on it
Take that small thing and contemplate it deeply. Let’s allow the beauty and the sweetness and the joy to saturate us. Poet William Blake said, “To see a world in a grain of sand and a heaven in a wild flower.” With this we can shield ourselves against so many of the world’s abrasions.
7. Make a Tah-Dah list
There is a tactic I introduced in my book Soap & Soul called a Tah-Dah list. The opposite of a To-Do list, which is a list of intention, a Tah-Dah list is a list of accomplishment. While I most often do this at the end of a day, especially when it feels like I got nothing done, a Tah-Dah list can also be used at the end of week/month/year to record what was accomplished or what was positive for longer periods of time. It’s a great way to wrap things up and to prep for a restful night’s sleep.
8. Go on a social media diet or complete fast
Social media incessantly invites us to compare our messy behind-the-scenes reality to the carefully curated highlights reel that others choose to exhibit on social media. Such comparison kills our joy and gives us a terribly skewed view of what other people’s lives are like. Get off it. Go live in the real world. Have people over to your house. Go over to theirs. You’ll find that you have a lot more in common than it seems, and likely some of the same struggles. This opens the way to share burdens and solutions.
9. Volunteer
Make someone else’s day better and their joy will rub off on you. If people aren’t your thing, volunteer with animals or help the earth itself. Mr. Rogers wisely said, “Look for the helpers.” Go and join them. An animal shelter, assistance for the unhoused, a child mentorship program, a library, a trail or beach clean-up. Helping others somehow that makes us feel better—whether it’s because someone else’s joy rubs off on us, or because we realize we have the power to improve someone’s day, or because we see others persevere in the face of tougher struggles.
10. Practice random acts of kindness and senseless beauty
While he didn’t coin the phrase, my inimitable uncle Ralph Bronner, the older son of my grandfather Dr. Bronner, used this phrase often and had bumper stickers made of it to distribute. Bestowing unexpected kindness is rewarding and can be quite fun. At every restaurant he’d visit, Ralph would seek out the dishwasher in the kitchen, the most overlooked of the staff and one he’d been himself, and tip him with a $20. This is another way to let someone else’s joy rub off on you.
11. Say something nice to someone
Write an encouraging note on a receipt at a restaurant. Send an unexpected email. Compliment someone. The rarity of this in our world makes it all the more wonderful. Like volunteering.
12. Go outside
When the manmade world is too much with us, take a break from it for a while and step outside. Even if all you can manage is a few feet out the front door, take a moment to feel the movement of the air, note the color of the sky, absorb the rhythm of the seasons. As naturalist John Burroughs said, “I go to nature to be soothed and healed, and to have my senses put in order.” It’s a reminder that we are all part of a far bigger story. I can be thankful that I am not the center of it, nor am I responsible for it all.
Our greatest freedom is how we respond
The greatest freedom we have is how we respond to our circumstances. Much of what happens around us is beyond our control. What people say, the choices they make, natural disasters, accidents, health. But we always have a choice in how we respond.
This is evidenced in the lives of people who even in the most dire of circumstances radiate joy and can easily list what they have to be grateful for. Similarly, there are people who are surrounded by blessings, but can list off all too quickly what is wrong in their lives. I know that every life has its burdens, many unseen, but we have the great freedom of choosing our focus.
Earlier today, I turned on the faucet at my kitchen sink. You know what happened? Clean water came out. What a marvel that is! There are people who must spend their entire days accessing clean water. There are kids who don’t attend school because they’re needed to haul water. Waterborne illnesses cut short countless lives. And here I so readily have it.
Last night I was a little bit chilly. Do you know what I did about it? I got another blanket. What luxury that is! There are so many unhoused people who don’t have an extra blanket to get, much less a bed to put it on. I have so very much to be thankful for.
There will always be cause for complaint. We can find something wrong in the most perfect moment. But the reverse is true, too. We can find beauty and good and purpose in tough times. The choice is ours. Join with me in decluttering our perspectives by choosing gratitude.
